Not Content

I remember a common denominator across most students’ testimonies when I was in college. When students spoke of their conversion experience they often spoke of their being content. They said they had this peace now, like they had arrived, that their life was in balance, that they found a purpose, and they had this restfulness about themselves now. For whatever reason, I’m not sure why, but many threw in that “their life wasn’t perfect now, they still struggled and had trials, but that it was far better.”

My initial serious flurry reading of God’s Word, which I most often speak of a “testimony” type of experience in my life did not include this contentment idea or ease with the Christian lifestyle as my classmates described it. Yes, I had peace about certain aspects in my relationship with God. But I certainly could not identify with the totality of their “contentment” idea. In fact, I experienced as a college student, and continue to experience quite the opposite.

My experience of holy discontentment contains the following features:
1) Peace, what peace?! My eyes are opened to the fact that I’m a terrible sinner. That’s more than slightly disturbing!
2) My life is not more in balance after coming to Jesus. Yes, Jesus is the center. But, this God-man certainly does an awfully good job in repeatedly turning my small world upside down to keep me off balance. I’m constantly scrambling to recenter myself on the Rock.
3) No need for me to make a disclaimer that “I still struggled and have trials.” I think that’s pretty obviously that I’m in a Romans 7 battle everyday of my existence. And boy, is it ever a battle!
4) To increase in hunger and intensity in pursuit of the Lord.

To summarize, I remember my initial reading of the gospels to be Jesus calling me to a radical paradigm shift. That did not equal peace and contentment, that equaled me being shook up with sleepless nights. I heard the constant ringing in my ear of Jesus saying, “Come, follow me,” and me frozen with fear. I was a wreck at the gravity of living as a “called out one.”